i had a bagel and some soup.
i woke up earlier than normal today, in anticipation of seeing the accumulated snowfall outside.
my mom came in the room sad, telling me my uncle had died in the night.
nature takes back everything it gives.
i don't know how to feel,
except that i feel very far away from everything.
in the night i was lying on the couch downstairs watching snowfall
very tired, but eager for adventure;
i just couldn't muster it out of myself to make some.
the cold creeps through every hole and crack in the house,
so i'm wearing thick wool socks-
there's a tree in the corner
of every corner
of all the houses-
departing from the corner
everything else comes into view
& it may be enough, it might be too much
i know that as i drive out
i get a pang of joy seeing all the lights-
it makes me want to go out walking
with A
friend.
there are things that happen to me, good things,
that i don't ever forget, that sit in my mind forever
like holding a fire in your hands in the middle of a storm
taking great care that no matter what happens,
it doesn't go out.

black keyhole

no light from the room

on the other side,

hands out 

pricked by the cold

surrendered at your will

by the confusion 

by the machines

by everything you don't know,

distinct & stricken by

reaching out.

carved a blood line

about your face

by my anger

from your desperation

from everything you are

within;

you've done something

but you don't know what

you should learn to navigate

& let the sails out,

but you're stuck

& alone

wailing.

oh we'll try to do this together

but we won't

because of the impossible

because of what's not there

& the slow crawl of sun

in the winter

to the dark;

lanterns on the eaves

amongst plants & trees

the party continues

without me,

what about making the future

for later,

how about handing me a drink

for now,

You've awoken a siberian tiger

& now it preys on your heart.

hey cutie. you're a robot that wants to be free from the shackles of your msgmachine. let go of your fear lust and fight the suicide dreams. take the pill to shake your apathy awake, and know what comes. it is a nightmare.

you can't get past anything by just yourself. at some point you will face a barrier and need help. help can come in a variety forms. chaos, nature, drugs or other people, or physical pain, or emotional feeling crisis. a shock to the system, something to shake the foundation of routine out of you. it will happen, it always happens. there's no need to even press it or consider it. you'll keep breaking an infinite number of times until you die and break for real. because all the breaking before is just a way to change and grow, to experience as much as you can before the end comes.

write poetry in a half lit room
im shivering cold
listening to trance-s
its bad,
there's nothing to gain but
repeat logic.
My heart keeps skipping,
beats,
by two a pulse-
A terrifying gap.
I keep thinking I'm about to have,
a HeartAttack.
blessed be the day it comes,
where lying in gravel
I see the sky & everything at peace-
An okay wonderful feeling of serenity,
as my duty ends
and i can
rest.

cyberpunk.

cowboy bebop

samurai swords

snowcrash

death clock

walking

flcl

drugs

favorite laptop

murakami

fifth element

orange juice

nature

flatscreen

art

japanese

piracy

chaos

fuck money

rimbaud

quitting school because you're past that

smashing glass

bonfires

blunts

the garden sunset

a list of living

through each day's throbbing light death sorrows

morning comes

i hate it.

sheets of sharp blue light & promise

the way the moment feels

collapsed

outside the dayDrone darks the lightLie

to make

a folding

plane.

upon it / MotionCracks

of the worst kind

given the state of things

we must figure:

( empty space )

the laughter of our friends is resonating

broken wind

round applause

kabuki theater